LYING FOR FUN AND PROFIT

12/07/03

I may not be the smartest goat in the barn, but I think the media hubbub about Presidential lying is unfair. As a Liberal I really don’t care if it’s unfair to Dubya, but as a lifelong worker in the lying trade, I worry that it will reflect badly on the profession.

A well-crafted lie, told by an accomplished practitioner, is a work of art and should be treated as such.. I understand Sam Butler who said, “Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some wit to know how to tell a lie.” I detect a lack of wit and lying deserves better than that.

Lies have many forms and uses. There are good lies. There are bad lies. Some are small, some middling or some are, in the words of Mark Twain, whoppers.

Small lies are absolutely necessary; they are the glue that binds us to civilized behavior. You don’t believe it? Consider! When the better half asks, “Do these new slacks make my butt look big?” Only a man dumber than a sunflower would give the wrong answer. My wife keeps me straight on the matter by introducing me as her “first husband.”

Similarly, a responsible spouse will protect the fragile ego of the “worser” half by saying, “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.” Polite lies and fake orgasms are gentler than the truth that, from time to time, most men are to most women about as sexy as a bag of ticks.

There are no limits as to who will lie. The good Reverend greets his parishioner every Sunday, “Good morning, Miss Whistle. You look delightful today.” Those who know Miss Whistle recognize the lie and can identify the liar, but they don’t. They prefer to leave the “soc” in society. Preachers can tell untruths for a good cause. The Pope even approves.

Now, not all untruths are lies. We voluntarily surrender our disbelief when we enjoy a good tale. We don’t expect to find truth in known fictions like ghost stories, fishing tales or “run of the mill” political speeches. Gossip columns, news broadcasts and radio talk shows are questionable, depending upon the degree to which they are believed.

Similarly, you can’t properly call someone a liar for telling what they believe to be absolutely true. Many people in Arkansas and some in Oklahoma believe “it is sex” only when it is intercourse. Thus, Bill may have been telling the unvarnished truth when he said with a straight face, “I did not have sex with that woman.” Though, I’m not sure if I’d let a Rhodes scholar get away with that one.

Absolute truths can become lies through misdirection. For example, Joe Redneck spent most of the night entertaining a lady at the Starlite Motel. As he arrived at home; he took a gulp of whiskey and poured some on his shirtfront. He entered to face the ire of his wife. He told her truthfully that he had spent the evening with a young lady. His wife responded, “Joe, I can smell the booze and you are a lying SOB. You’ve been drinking and playing poker with your worthless buddies again.” He calmed her with the twenty-five dollars he had “won.” That’s how to lie by misdirection. There are probably as many ways to lie, as there are liars. Some liars are more able than others and there’s the rub.

I tend to agree with the writer, Anatole France, “I like truth. I think mankind needs it; but people have a greater need of lies – lies that flatter, consol, and open endless possibilities. Without lies, humanity would die of boredom and futility.”

So, what has all of this to do with Presidential lying? Well, the Administration – like most Administrations – has told a plethora of lies and not done a particularly fine job of it. Misdirection, factual fabrications, prevarications and outright whoppers have been told to the American people and we are not falling for them. If a lie is not believable, it should at least be entertaining. Bush is failing on both counts. What we really need is another Mark Twain or Will Rogers to put character to the most egregious untruths. Maybe we need a new Federal Department of Factual Fabrications?

By the way, did I ever tell you …..?