The Jesus Cow - The Cow
By
Graybeard Paine
Malcolm Waters is a semi-retired veterinarian and most of his tales involve bodily functions of large animals. Malcolm has been known to stretch the truth just a bit. He was in good form, when Maylene spotted the Professor crossing the street to the Chatterbox.
“What are you going to tell the Professor today?” she said.
“Just follow my lead,” Malcolm said.
Malcolm started telling an extended tale about a visit to Johnson’s dairy where he saw a cow with a spot on it’s side that looked like Jesus. “It was so real I swear you could have seen a halo over that cow’s head.”
Dwight Barnes asked, “What side of the cow is it on?”
“Well,” Malcolm said, “It’s on the right side. I guess that is a sign from God that we should all vote Republican.” Malcolm tends to see most things from the Republican point of view.
Dwight tends to see most things from the Democrat point of view. “If the spot is on the right side of the cow as it faces you, it would be on the left side as you face the cow. That means God wants us to vote Democratic.”
The conversation started heating up as they always do when politics gets involved. Politics and football are about the only things worth arguing about in our neck of the woods.
The Professor let himself into the Chatterbox and quietly took a place at the table. The conversation went back to the Jesus Cow just in time. Maylene enforces a strict rule about arguments over politics, religion and football.
“Let’s ask the Professor,” Malcolm said. Everyone nodded for effect.
“Professor, if a picture of Jesus appeared on the side of a cow, what would it mean?”
“I, I don’t know,” he stuttered. “ Why don’t you ask Reverend Wylie?” Reverend Wylie was coming in for his morning coffee.
The tale was retold for Reverend Wylie and further embellished. The cow took on mythical dimensions. Ralph Johnson affirmed that the cow was his best milk producer. The cow had two calves last year and hadn’t even been around a bull. And it made sounds almost like that singing cow in the milk commercial.
Reverend Wylie sensed something big. “Maybe it’s a sign from God,” he said, ”Maybe God is trying to tell me how to make my church better.”
The Reverend and the Professor saddled up the Professor’s VW bus and headed out in search of the Jesus Cow.
The laughing in the Chatterbox was raucous; Maylene scolded the gang for pulling such a gag and Malcolm wondered what would happen if they actually found a Holstein with a picture of Jesus on its side.
The Reverend, scrawny as a chicken and not much bigger, was the first of the pair to enter the holding pen at the dairy. He noticed that the Johnson Dairy had a large number of cows. He didn’t want to make God mad but he thought, “All these cows make a lot of cow shit.” The professor noticed the cow shit, or smell of cow shit before he realized how many cows there were. He didn’t like cows; they are just to damned big and dangerous looking.
Wylie looked at each of the cows at least once; some of them he looked at several times. Finally, he decided on one cow.
“Professor,” he said, “Doesn’t that spot look like Jesus?”
“I guess,” he said, “if you look at it just right.”
The cow confirmed their decision by emitting a high pitched, almost musical bellow.
Wylie was ecstatic on the ride back to town. The professor wondered if he could ever get the stink of cow shit off his shoes and out of his VW.
“I’m gonna get that cow,” Wylie said, “and create a great cathedral for it. I’ll call it the Great Church of the Almighty and people will come from all over to see the Jesus Cow. My Jesus Cow will be holier than all the Hindu cows in India. Oh God, we're gonna turn this County into a holy place. Praise God!”
The professor thought only about the smell of cow shit.